I don’t even know where to start. There’s so much to say. Especially when no one quite understands exactly what i’m going through. people come up with ‘oh, i’ve been kicked out before, ur exaggerating” and im like yea, but, i got kicked out and have no one supporting me AND no possible hope of being allowed back. so everyone shut up. you haven’t been kicked out until sleeping on a field was your last resort. it sucks, and my friends are getting annoyed and frustrated with me and i understand why but i just wish people would turn the tables even if only for as minute and realize that i am actually doing everything i fucking can! all i have right now is this dinky cell phone that i pay for and my job. i no longer have a car or a home, how much is really expected of me every day? i can’t have that happy energy i had because it takes too much out of me and yea i’mn asking you for a favor because i obviously DESPERATELY NEED IT. i wouldn’t ask you to drive me somewhere, or hold my stuff, because i want you too. i wish people were a little more caring, just to make it easier on me. i’m not going to sit here and complain its just…. fuck, my life is ridiculous. and no one at all understands.
people are just too judgemental for any good. when i look at or talk to a person my immediate thoughts are what is this person’s intentions? towards me, life, ect. i don’t see body language or words as looks into their personality. it’s the things they don’t say and don’t show that say the most. it’s pretty ineditable that people are going to judge which is why i try my very hardest not to and it’s great, i’ve been able to meet and keep relationships with so many people because i allowed myself to see past the visible front and into what else is there. there’s a lot of good in the world that most people may never see because they won’t allow themselves to.
which brings me to the fact that despite how horrible my life is i am staying happy and positive. both of my parents are unsupportive, and not trying to hide it, yet i’m persevering. i really can’t expect them to be supportive anyway; my mom has a ton of issues of her own and my dad has never really supported me. in a way i’ve always been on my own only now i’m noticing it. i’ve got some good friends though, and good luck, and good people and good resources so i’ll be okay. i’ve officially been homeless for one full week and i am fucking okay. not cheery and showered but i’m okay.
most people i’ve spoken to other than my friends have told me that they would not have made it as far as me. one week without a home, barely any much. it’s weird because i feel fine and i feel like i could do this a ton longer if i really have to. i don’t like having to depends on others but i guess that’s where true friendship comes into play. i am going to start finding out who my real freinds are. it’s reallyt scary not knowing where i’m going to sleep at night or even knowing if i’m going to make it. it’s always in the back of my mind and preventing me fgrom being 100% at any time but i need to have a guard up anyway, or else i’ll get really screwed.
so that’s where i’m at. no home. no supporting parents. pretty good friends. very little money. big heart, lots of confidence, and a fuck load of strength. i’m pretty damn sure i’m going to be okay but i really don’t know what tomorrow will bring.
*uncertainty kills the weak-minded and certainty crutches the strong*